I am reading lots of articles here on Medium about sex. All written by women. All of them, for some reason, are written by women that have a sex life full of orgasms. When reading their articles one can only assume that sex is easy and effortless. They enforce the notion that enjoying sex is a given. When reading their articles I could easily believe that sex is so fricking awesome.
But it ain’t necessarily so.
Sex can be fricking awesome, it’s true. This is how it is for me as of recent years. But it wasn’t always this way. And it is definitely not fricking awesome for many women across the globe.
The women I interact with confide in me that sex is not good. It’s bland. Mundane. Predictable. Unfulfilling. Disappointing. They are not interested and they keep at it only to make their partner happy.
For a good 10 years after starting to have sex, I, as well, had a bad experience of sex altogether. Not horribly bad, just mostly un-enjoyable. Sometimes even painful. There was no one to share this unpleasantness with. There was lots of shame and embarrassment. There was confusion.
Mainly, because I knew it was supposed to be this amazingly enjoyable part of my life. I was perplexed by the fact that it wasn’t. So I pushed harder to make it enjoyable. I applied techniques and tips that were supposed to make it wonderful. And they didn’t work for me whatsoever.
Only later in life, I learned that the main issue is our obsession, as a society, with orgasms as a benchmark for an enjoyable sex session. And that the female orgasm doesn’t necessarily follow a set of rules that I can maneuver to suit. There are many variables that contribute to the presence, or lack thereof, of an orgasm during sex with another human being. Especially if that other human being is a man.
Without going into all the reasons and explanations of the non-linear nature of the female orgasm, I learned that the best way to fully enjoy sex is to completely drop any expectation for having an orgasm. Not like someone who has been defeated and gave up on having an orgasm. But as someone who is exploring the pleasures of human touch and is fascinated by the findings. At times I noticed, that if the exploring includes an orgasm, I might feel less satisfied by that specific sex session than on occasions where there was no orgasm.
And that the effort of inducing an orgasm, even if it is merely a mental effort, is usually a detour on the way to fully enjoy the present moment with my man.
The great sages have said since time immemorial that the way to conduct oneself in the world is by giving oneself fully to the present moment without being attached to a specific result. This can work wonders when applied to lovemaking.
Such is the female orgasm.
We have been conditioned to view an orgasm as an event. Typically, an explosive experience that can’t be missed or overlooked. This is the most common understanding of what an orgasm is. For many, it’s the only way they understand it to be. However, for those who seek a fuller perspective, an orgasm does not necessarily have to be presented as a singular moment in time. It can be a continuous, slow, non-linear experience. It might be more accurately described as an orgasmic state, rather than an orgasm. It progresses, then regresses, at times disappears altogether. It’s all part of the orgasmic spectrum.
When we only expect the fireworks type of orgasm, we could get disappointed if it doesn’t eventuate. We set to the mission of pursuing it, and in the seeking process, we miss the fact that the entire sex play is filled with pleasure and every moment is satisfying in and for itself. When an explosive orgasm presents itself, it is not better than all the other experiences. It’s just part of the play.
Such is enlightenment.
Many people who have heard about the concept of enlightenment think it is a grandiose happening. Light, expansion, feelings beyond anything that we could comprehend, never to mention describe. Basking in the presence of creation itself.
But for those who are seriously interested in enlightenment, another possibility paves its way into being. A type of enlightenment that creeps in slowly and gradually. A non-event that follows a non-linear path. A few steps forward, a few backward. It looks like it’s within reach then it completely dissipates.
When we are seeking enlightenment as some end result, a goal, we tend to dismiss the ongoing bliss that is available for us at every given moment. The search for an event clouds the truth. The truth is that the here and now has as much in it as any spectacular event. And if at some stage there’s an appearance of some mystical event, so be it. It is merely another experience in our game called life.
Don’t try to induce an orgasm. Follow the guidance of pleasurable sensations in your body and the deeper connection between your partner and yourself.
Don’t effort yourself into enlightenment. Follow a path that makes you a more compassionate, loving human being.